Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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