i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
