Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
