I think my fart just growled at me.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
