in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
