I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
