Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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