You don't have asthma, your pregnant
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
