dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
