matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
