FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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