Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
