im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
