you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
