Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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