When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
