I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
