I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm having to shit out rocks
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