I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
