found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
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A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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