The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
