I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
