All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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