first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
