My brain says no but my pants say off.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
