I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
