my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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