Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
