apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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