Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
