Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
