I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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