is your mom at the bar?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
