we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
