I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
