In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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