my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
