lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
