his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
