he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
