break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
