Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
where are my eyebrows?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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