i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
