She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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