he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
