NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
