I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I did not marry a roomba.
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