Old men and throwing up are my life now.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
