he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
