this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
