if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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