I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
