dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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