If that was your dad, he is hot
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
