I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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