wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
