the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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