i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Randomize
